"Dear Mom"

You know my story. I know my story. You know my struggles. I know my struggles. We know each other’s stories and struggles. You’ve recalled on multiple occasions how the day you and Dad adopted me was ‘the best day of [your] lives.’ Despite this, I don’t feel the unconditional love and support you claim to have demonstrated throughout the years. Now that I’m 18, I finally feel free from the wildly high expectations and avoidant talk to which you subjected me. It
always felt unfair to me that two average-achieving, first generation college-goers from the Midwest could adopt a Chinese girl and exquisitely veil the emotional trauma with the guilt trip of adoption. You told me about love, but you didn’t teach me how to love. On the other hand, you never mentioned hatred or dislike, yet I find myself filled with those things more often than not.
After a childhood of only receiving love when I succeeded academically, only receiving assistance when it positively impacted your social image, I don’t know what healthy love looks like. More drastically, I don’t even know how to love healthily.As I gained more control over my thoughts, feelings, and life, I thought more about my adoption. You created an environment in which it was taboo to talk about our feelings, shameful to fail, and disrespectful to ignore authority, but, of course, you covered it up. You called me ungrateful, selfish for not appreciating the things I already had. The idea that being adopted automatically makes me loved, wanted, and special began to crumble slowly. When I found community during my junior year, I spent more time away from home, at times upsetting you by breaking curfew and the like. Instead of being supportive and understanding, you were cold-hearted and stubborn, refusing to accept that I had found new support. Throughout my life, you tried to ingrain into my mind that I was supposed to be perpetually grateful, that I was lucky to have been adopted, saved from a politically unstable China that threw newborn girls onto the street during the one-child policy instead of providing them with food, shelter, love, education, and support the way you claim you do, and always have. You seemed to have developed a
savior complex, often bringing up mine and Ana’s adoption stories during dinner parties and receiving praise. However, this only intensified my identity crisis. Raised by white parents in the Midwest, I never experienced Asian culture, but my friends expected me to know about anime and dragons and eating dogs. I took Mandarin lessons during my preschool years, but never continued after that. Why? Why didn’t you let me have the most integral part of my culture? I don’t know what to select on applications when asked about my nationality; because I am just
as oblivious about Asian culture as you are, I feel less Asian. However, my physical appearance screams Asian to anybody with eyes, so simply choosing ‘American’ doesn’t seem right either. Although, in towns where Panda Express is the most ‘authentic’ cuisine, it’s hard for anyone to immersify themselves into Asian culture. Yes, I’ve befriended many Asian people, but it’s still
hard to feel worthy of belonging when we all struggle with isolation due to adoption, racism, or both, among other issues. As I’ve matured, gained insight, heard about other minorities’ experiences and analyzed my own, I’ve been able to accept myself more--I don’t have to
identify with one particular group or culture to feel a sense of belonging, but rather be comfortable in all sorts of different ones, because no single person is exclusively Asian, American, or anything. We’re all just human.I want you to know that my self-acceptance hasn’t been easy. As I am also part of the LGBTQ+ community, a fact you seem to shrug off and blatantly disregard, I experience discrimination on more than one front. You haven’t supported me when I experience racism or homophobia. I don’t even bother to tell you about it anymore, after you said you didn’t care and it didn’t bother you. Just for the record, I lost all respect for you at that moment. You can support me financially all day and all night, but I’m never going to feel one hundred percent loved and supported when the closest thing to a ‘congratulations on being accepted to college’ I get is a side hug before I leave for school and an immediate post to your Facebook page to gloat to all of your friends back in Ohio. Also, for the record, I’m not brilliant because of you, I’m brilliant because of me. I know I can’t outright say you are the sole perpetrator of my shortcomings and anger issues and emotional unavailability, but I think there are many things you could’ve done better. I know Ana feels the same way. I just hope you take this personally and seriously and do better for Ana. She isn’t as obviously talented, outgoing, and determined as I am, and that’s exactly why she deserves a better parent than I got. She doesn’t coast through life and reflect later; she wobbles through and reflects in the process. We know how to hide our true feelings and emotions because that’s what you taught us to do. Please don’t make her do that any longer. Be the first person she goes to when she’s struggling mentally, let it be known to her that it’s okay to fail, and check in on her regularly; be an outlet of support, not the reason she can’t see the light.When I think about my childhood, this is what I think about. My brain doesn’t default to the happy memories--the endless soccer tournaments, trips to the South, ice skating days on the lake, or boats in the summer. That was just the facade. I love working with kids at summer camp, but I don’t want to have my own, because I know I’m not any better than you are. I know
that currently, I wouldn’t treat them any differently than you treated me. I wouldn’t give a child any better emotional support than you gave me. I call you out for the things you do wrong and give you no credit for the things you do correctly. I learned that from you. I get angry and violent
instead of having a mature conversation. I learned that from you. I ignore my problems and let
them eat away at me from the inside until I explode. I learned that from you. Our biggest difference, though? I’m trying to change. I have made and maintained supports that I didn’t even know I could love so much. Now I don’t have to go to you--I have Athena, Abby, Devyn, Sheali
and Savanna--but I wish I could without getting a lecture. I go to therapy to manage my stress,
anger, and anxiety. I’m doing this so I don’t subject my future, my children, and the world to more emotional trauma and repressed thoughts and feelings. I will say, ‘I broke the generational trauma,’ because I will. I’m not grateful for you in the way an eight-year-old is grateful for cotton
candy and the country fair. However, I am grateful for you. I just don’t know how to express it.Sophia

"Dear Parents"

Dear parents,I am a person who is really afraid of you. Everything from your mouth really scares me because you tell me to do this and do that and do better at this.You expect so highly of me and are always telling me, “echale ganas mija”. (put effort into it daughter)I am human. I get tired. I know that all you do is expect me to be better all the time but it's hard. Keeping up with multiple classes at the same time is like juggling chainsaws and if you push me to my limit I will cut my fragile skin.I still remember the day that you got really mad at me all becuase I got a 69 in math. The day will never leave my clouded memory. The moment I do horrible at something is the moment that you want to take everything away from me. You took my freedom away from me as soon as I came home “slacking off” on my studies. No matter how many times I asked for forgiveness I never got it from you. All because of one slip up you took everything. My mind was flushed with many horrible emotions, you made me feel like a burden you made me feel trapped in a tiny little box. You made me feel as if I had to be “perfect” all the time like a glass
porcelain doll.As soon as I got into high school I saw that things suddenly changed for the worst, you guys became harder on me and started to literally be on my tail all the time.You would always ask and check my grades and now you want me to strictly have A’s and B’s. It has strained me and has put a lot of pressure on me.But I understand why you are doing this to me.You want me to have a better life.You want me to be rich a successful person.You want me to have a bright and powerful future.I appreciate you so very much and I promise that I am trying my best. I know that you want me to have good grades and a high GPA so that I can go to college, but I don’t even know if college is for me. I don’t even know what I want to do or succeed in life. I know I always tell you that I want to go to UNT and study business management, but I honestly don’t even know if I want that for myself.I tell you that to satisfy you.I tell you that so you don’t have to worry about me.I tell you that so you think I am well put together.I tell you that so that you can feel like I am in the right mindset and I have my
whole future all planned out, but in reality, I don’t know what to do. I am at a lost at the moment.Honestly what I wish that you could do is ask me what I want for a change or ask me how I am feeling or what I want in life. What I think I need right now is more support I need you guys to tell me that I am doing good, I need you guys to motivate me. I need the motivation to get me through high school cause It can get hard at times.I am working my hardest to make you guys proud and I hope you can see that I love you guys so much, I hope that someday you are satisfied with how far I have come. I also hope that you can see the effort and time I put into what I do daily and
I hope one day that you will be glad to call me your daughter.Thank you for pushing me to my limits,
Nayle Rojas

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